Deciding to take myself out of.. well, my life for six months wasn't an easy one. I knew I wanted to travel, and I knew I wanted to see. I wanted to gently roll my finger tips over 300 year old marble, look at the Alps I've so often read about, walk through the valleys of old vineyards, bikeride through the landscapes of Barcelona, and spindle a journey so wild and untamed, the stories would resonate in the ears of generations much younger than my own.
This was my very first adult want. My whole existence on this planet was as neatly knit and constructed as a Amish quilt at an art show. I had my hands in a million pots, this organization and that, this school group, and this, and this, and this... oh me, oh my! I was a grade A clog. I fit so neatly in the machine, I was positive that my clog was IMPERATIVE to the existence of the whole. Jee willigers, all these different rolls I play.. I seem to balance them so well. Long days, and long nights stacked to the ceilings with people, places, and things.
Come graduation day, I proudly held my spot in line, and let the bright light shine fiercly on my face. "So this is it, this is what it was all for!........." Ahhhh.
......Wait, no trumpets sounded? Excuse me sir, you saw how hard I worked? Sir, I thought I perhaps deserved the stage to myself? Why is this girl in the corner of my commencement photo? And as the chancellor himself, in all his glory, extended to me his hand as well as my diploma all became silent. It was as if it were slow motion. He carefully moved in toward me, with a grin stretching from one ear to the other, and spoke almost inaudibly "... So, was it worth it?" and kicked me off stage like I was straight out of the Christmas Story.
Alright, I was offered a congratulations, and shuffled along like the rest of the herd, but as I sat outside with my diploma, it truly stuck me. This is it, this is what every ounce of my effort was for. All of my ceaseless dedication to everything on the planet... except, myself.
I've since spent many a sleepless night grappling this beast. I am proud of all of my accomplishments, and being the best x,y,and z anyone could ask for. I know that my motives were pure, but I was so busy doing what I thought was expected of me, that I mistook my obligation for my purpose.
I've learned a little something as of late. Something that a 4 year double degree didn't teach me. I've started to answer to myself.
It's only as of recently that I've looked within instead of without, but every moment that I do is an affirmation of why I'll never turn back.
Sooo- we fast forward. Voom, present day. This sabbatical- (time away in order to achieve something) is the best thing I've done for myself. Some people, the people in which the idea of traveling seems as foreign as going one state over, have questioned it's purpose. What good will traveling do you? Won't you be behind when you get back? Are you nervous for finding a job? Thank goodness you have your studies!
The best part about it is, that I don't need to explain. I'm still figuring it out myself. I am achieving a larger goal. I am finding myself. The best and hardest thing I've done.
WHHOOOAA... stop the press. Finding myself?! She's gone emo, lost her marbles, dulled her sword.
I argue, not in the least. I am sharpening my sword, collecting my marbles. Instead of finding myself as a reflection of external interactions, I've decided that consulting the source might yield the best results. As Jane Austen (one of my FAVORITES) once said- which undoubtedly makes it true- "We all have a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be- Mansfield Park"
So, I've decided to do a little self education. Why wait until your 45 to buy a Ferrari and drive around town to identify your life's must haves? Well, I'm not. I am finding the person that so many of us put a million obstacles in front of in order to NOT deal with. I am finding that underneath all of those obligations lay dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Magical questions such as, 'what do you want, really truly want out of those life? What makes you happy'.. and like unmentionables.
So, I'm on this sabbatical. I'm trying to achieve something higher. I've learned volumes full about myself (not to mention all of the lands and people that go along with) and have not even cracked the surface.
So here we go, here are some themes. I have three, which will keep me busy probably until the day I'm pushin daisies.
Acceptance
Ownership
Balance
Brutal, I know. These three little things haunt my dreams. And all of you perfectionists out there know that these little goodies are the infamous kryptonite.
So, lets conclude. This trip is by FAR the best thing I have ever done for myself. Sometimes it's hard, and really honest. Those two things aren't always ponies and cotton candy, but the rewards of being honest with myself have exceeded my wildest dreams... and to top it all off- I've met someone wonderful here, that is guaranteed to be a lifelong companion, Myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment